Hellboy (2019) 🥵 Film Review

  

Written by Thelonia

About five minutes into the new Hellboy movie, I realized that this was in fact, not good. About an hour later, I was just praying for it to be over. Unfortunately, we still had another hour to go, all of it a painful and slow slog covered in guts and gore and absolutely nothing else of note.

Serenity ⁉ Film Review

 

Written by Thelonia

Serenity is one of the wildest, most bafflingly earnest movies I’ve ever seen, something which is whole heartedly helped by the fact that I had literally no idea this movie existed until about four days ago, when I heard a couple of critics talk about how fucking weird it is. And, my friends, I can now indeed confirm, it’s weird as hell.

Ocean's 8 💃 Film Review

Written by Thelonia

My main takeaway from Ocean's 8 is that I will literally watch women do anything in a movie and have a blast, and also that John Mulaney must rue the day he made that "women could never pull off  an Ocean's 11 type heist" joke from 2012, at least if his twitter mentions from the past few weeks are anything to go by.

Hereditary 😱 Film Review

   

Written by Thelonia

Hereditary was perhaps my most anticipated movie of 2018, and while it didn't scare me in the way I think most people expect, it has haunted me ever since I've seen it.

The Greatest Showman 😧 Film Review

Written by Thelonia

P.T. Barnum's first attraction was an enslaved woman, Joice Heath, whom he bought and showed as "George Washington's 161 year-old nanny," (when she died he sold tickets for her autopsy). He made his entire career exploiting and trading 'exhibits', which were sometimes artifacts (like his Fiji mermaid - the top half of a mummified monkey attached to the bottom half of a fish), sometimes people - which is the main focus of the 2017 film - released just in time for Christmas, so you know it's a feel-good, The Greatest Showman.

Murder on the Orient Express 😐 Movie Review

Written by Thelonia

The main question that comes to mind when seeing the trailer for Murder on the Orient Express is: how did so many talented actors say yes to this movie? But there are so many other questions, like: why is Imagine Dragons here (and who is making who a Believer?) Why is there Neon everywhere? What in God's name is on Kenneth Branagh's face? I do not have much of an explanation for the first two, apart from the desperate attempts of a marketing team to make the movie look more exciting than the final product wound up being, and I can only assume the last was the result of no oversight, but we can definitely dig in and try to figure out what the hell is happening in the rest of this train wreck of a movie.